It has been a roller coaster of a week for me. First off, I got an unexpected e-mail Sunday night. It was from one of my old Daily Texan copy desk co-workers who had left us to write for the DT Life & Arts department. I had lost track of what she was up to, but apparently she has been copy editing for the Austin Chronicle, and is planning on spending the spring semester in Spain on a study-abroad program. She has been charged with finding her replacement at the Chronicle, and asked me to take over for her. It is an unpaid position, but a great opportunity, only takes up a few hours a week and will give me an in at a pretty decent local paper.
Earlier today, I got a much-anticipated e-mail from Teach For America. After going through a months-long application process and a full-day interview, today was the day that I would be getting the final admissions decision. More and more as the hour approached, I found myself daydreaming about what assignment I might get and wondering whether they would give me the transitional funding that I had requested. I tried to remind myself not to take my admission for granted, but I found it difficult not to — after all, I had sailed through the first stages of the application process, and had even been exempted from the phone interview. It was hard not to assume that I had this in the bag.
Well, I suppose I’ve already given away the news: No Teach For America for me. In a diplomatically worded e-mail, they said that the program isn’t for everyone, that they couldn’t give me any individualized explanation of why I wasn’t accepted and helpfully offered a list of other, similar programs that I might look into.
It was difficult to cope with at first: When it comes to these sorts of things, I am used to getting my way. In the past few years, it has been rare for me to not get something I’ve applied for, be it a job, or an internship, or a scholarship. I’ve gotten the grades that I wanted in my classes, the promotions that I wanted at work, and when I didn’t, I was at least left with some justification for feeling as though it wasn’t entirely my fault.
There are excuses out there, certainly: I did get roped into work the night before my interview, and ended up doing the full-day affair on no food and about two hours of sleep. Maybe, in a few weeks time, this will allow me to mark up my rejection to a sort of misunderstanding, rather than my inferiority to other applicants (which is bothering me way more than I would like it to). Right now, though, it doesn’t change anything.
Perhaps the sting of disappointment that I’m feeling now is just a tribute to how effective the Teach For America recruitment process really is. My initial decision to apply felt arbitrary, but now, months later, I am thoroughly convinced about the moral uprightness of the cause, the great benefits to be reaped from participating in the program and the extent to which it can be a life-changing and life-defining experience. If there’s anything that my life is lacking at the moment, it’s a little definition, and now that they’ve turned me down, I want that thing more than ever.
Somewhere in the back of my mind, I know that there are piles of other opportunities out there, and that, had I been accepted into the program, I might have found the experience to be a disappointment, as have so many others who have gone through it — like this semester’s internship, which I was initially so delighted to pin down, and now can’t wait to wrap up. Whatever path I end up on will end up seeming as though it was inevitable all along. It’s this trying to look ahead without hindsight that’s so frustrating.
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